Total Drama: The Musical
by birdup
Summary: Twenty-six campers. Two million dollars. Five-hundred twenty-five-thousand six-hundred minutes. Rated T for cursing and a adult themes. Reviews are appreciated and bribes are expected.
1. Willkommen

**EDIT SUPREME**

 **I did a rewrite of this chapter, but not much changed. If you read this chapter already, there's no real reason to reread this, other than the fact that it is now a little better. At least to me.**

 **However, if you haven't read this chapter, you would not have been the wiser, so just disregard this and read on.**

* * *

 **PLEASE READ: Essentially Total Drama Island with a Musical twist thrown in, but there will be nothing held back. Mud will be flung, tears will be shed, and expletives will be... You get the idea. This is not for the faint of heart. This is what makes television successful. That being said, be willing (VERY willing) to suspend your disbelief as to what can go on television. Because this gets a tad gritty. Now do what you learned in grade school and read!**

* * *

Chris McLean and Natalie Grossman stood together on what will become known as the ever-infamous Dock of Shame. Behind them is the "scenic" view of Camp Wawanakwa. Chris, the obvious showrunner, took command as he addressed the camera.

"What's up, everybody?" He began. "Welcome to Camp Wawanakwa in Muskoka, Ontario! This is Total Drama: The Musical! I'm your host, Chris McLean, and this here is my lovely assistant-"

"Co-host," Natalie interjected, annoyed with Chris's massive ego.

He corrected himself. "Co-host Natalie Grossman. Here's the deal: twenty-six campers are arriving as we speak to spend about twelve weeks at this lovely island in order to compete for the grand prize of TWO MILLION DOLLARS!"

Natalie Grossman continued: "Since this is Total Drama: The Musical, each challenge will feature something pertaining to music. This could range from a random singing challenge thrown into the mix to the entire challenge being based around performing. The possibilities are practically limitless!"

Chris decided to take over. "After each challenge, there will be a winning team and a losing team. The winners revels in their victory, and the losers vote off one of their own at the dramatic campfire ceremony."

"This process will eventually whittle the number of campers down to just one," Natalie continued. "This lone survivor will be declared the winner of Total Drama: the Musical and will win the grand prize of two million dollars and fame and fortune for at least a few months."

Chris grinned. "Who will win? Who will lose? Who will humiliate themselves in front of millions of viewers? Find out now on TOTAL. DRAMA. THE MUSICAL!"

Chris maintained his pose for a painfully long time. Natalie realized why.

"They already did the opening credits, Chris."

Chris broke his pose. "Oh, yeah, yeah."

The first boat arrived, and Kendra Hansen walked onto the dock. She had long, dyed black hair with the left side of her head shaved close to the scalp. She had a stud in one of her nostrils and a tattoo of a fist on her side, which was revealed due to her midriff shirt.

Kendra was listening to music on her phone, not bothering to take out her earbuds. As each camper arrived, the hosts read sheets clipped to their clipboard to associate full names with faces.

"Kendra Hansen!" welcomed Natalie. "Welcome to Total Drama: The Musical!"

However, Kendra was too busy surveying her surroundings to notice her. It was a good twenty seconds before she took out one of the earbuds and turned to Chris and Natalie.

"Sorry," Kendra apologized flatly, "did you say anything?"

"We said 'welcome to Total Drama, Kendra'!" said Chris, rather annoyed.

Kendra rolled her eyes. "Well, you've certainly rolled out the welcome mat, I see." She placed the earbud back in her ear and walked to the opposite end of the dock.

Before Chris could make a sly remark about his distaste for the first contestant, the second arrived. Daniel Moreno hopped off his boat and walked over to the two hosts. He wore a high-and-tight haircut and a white t-shirt with jeans. He shook Chris's hand eagerly.

"Hey, Chris McLean!" Daniel greeted. "It's great to finally meet in person!"

"Daniel Moreno!" introduced Chris. "Welcome!"

Daniel turned to Natalie and shook her hand as well. "What's up, Natalie?"

"Hello, Daniel." replied Natalie kindly.

Daniel looked around. "So are we actually staying here or is this some sort of joke?"

Chris and Natalie exchanged devious looks before Chris turned back to Daniel and replies: "No, this is actually just a stop for the next boat. It'll get here shortly, just sit tight."

Daniel groaned. "I'm not sure if I can stomach another boat ride, Mr. McLean."

Chris chuckled, whipping out his clipboard. "Well, Jesus H. Christ, Daniel! You weren't kidding! You really are gullible!"

Daniel gave a few fake chuckles in response, embarrassed. "Oh. Yeah. No, I wasn't."

After the unbearably awkward moment and more forced laughter, Daniel made his way to Kendra and gave her a short wave. She didn't reciprocate nor acknowledge, due to her preoccupation with her phone, which was pumping punk rock butane through her eardrums (from the sound of it, Kendra really enjoys classic NOFX).

"Here comes the next camper!" Chris beamed.

And indeed, there he was, and he went by the name of Martin Gully. The fearful young lad made his way off the boat slowly and carefully. He was a shaggy-haired boy with a button-up shirt buttoned all the way up to his neck, causing it to stiffen and tense. The two hosts walked toward him.

"Martin Gully!" Chris greeted, looking down at his clipboard. "Welcome to the Island, brother!"

Martin respectfully nodded and gave a meek, "Hello" before walking to the opposite end of the dock, deciding not to stand near Daniel or Kendra. The hosts noticed but decided not to indicate the mannerism.

The next camper, Rebecca Abatangelo, arrives on her boat and meets with the dock, her long blonde hair flapping in the breeze. She wore a football jersey and leggings with Nike footwear. She gave a sniff and walked to the hosts.

"McLean." She greeted. "Grossman."

"Welcome, Rebecca Abatangelo!" said Chris.

"Abat ** _a_** ngelo." Rebecca corrected, using a more Italian-sounding pronunciation.

Chris shrugged. "Alright. Well, chances are I'll butcher that pretty often."

Rebecca walked toward the other campers and flippantly replied, "No, you won't."

Chris was left dumbfounded as Natalie announced: "Here comes Lucas Concannon!"

Lucas Concannon had a foot propped up on the railing of his vessel, as he looked toward his destination. The wind swept back his long, wavy hair and ruffled his polo shirt and khaki shorts. He docked and walked to the hosts.

Lucas quipped, "It seems that your knowledge of 'tropical' extends as far as the branch of smoothie stores." His brand of humor was influenced pretty heavily by Chandler Bing and Louis C.K., with healthy doses of John Cleese and Steve Martin.

Chris brushed off the remark, knowing Lucas to be quite the 'funny man'. "Lucas! Welcome to Total Drama!"

"Yeah, 'Welcome'." replied Lucas. "Any more 'welcome' and I'd be paying rent."

"Go stand with the other campers," instructed Natalie impatiently.

"With relish, Nat," replied Lucas as he sauntered to his fellow bunkmates.

Another boat arrived as Ginny Fontana took to the dock. She had curly auburn hair in a ponytail and a ton of freckles. She wore a pair of earrings with a breezy tank-top and cuffed jeans.

"Ginny Fontana!" greeted Chris.

"Hi!" she replied cheerfully. "It's so great to finally be here! Can't say the boat ride was all that great though. I'm not sure that bathroom has been cleaned in a while."

Natalie gave a thin smile. "Glad you could make it in one piece. Stand with the others, please."

Ginny walks over and stands next to Lucas, who leans to her and says, "See, you got a please. She said 'please' with you."

Ginny giggled and nodded. "I noticed that, actually."

Lucas extended a hand. "Lucas Concannon."

Ginny accepted the handshake. "Ginny Fontana."

"I noticed that, actually," copied Lucas, nodding. Ginny laughed again, warming up to this young stranger.

Vander Jacobs was the next to arrive, stepping confidently off the boat he came in on. He wore neatly combed hair, sunglasses, a stubble, a smirk, and a tank top with ripped khaki pants.

Chris grinned at the man after his own heart. "Vander Jacobs! Welcome to Total Drama: The Musical!"

Vander grasped Chris's hand and went in for a short hug. "Hey, Chris. Glad to be here."

He then walked to Natalie. "Hey, Nat." They hug.

Kendra scoffed, pulling out an earbud. "Why's he being so friendly, huh?"

"Must be his personality," reasoned Daniel.

Vander walked to the other campers. "Hey, guys. I'm Vander."

"Hey." The campers said in unison, with their deliveries matching their distinct personalities.

Ross Blair, an amateur gymnast, nimbly made his way off his boat and strode toward the two hosts. He had a spiky haircut, a cleft chin, and what resembles a gymnast's uniform. He had a short, stocky build that made him seem as if he was always flexing his muscles. Whether or not it happens to actually be his gymnastics outfit was a question no one decided nor cared to ask.

"Hello, everyone." Ross beamed. "I'm here for the two million."

Lucas snorted. "Take a number, man."

"Welcome to the island, Mr. Ross Blair!" Chris welcomed.

"Thank you, Chris." Ross walked to Natalie. "Hey, Natalie."

"Hello, Ross." She smiled at him politely.

The next boat arrived as the arriving process quickly clipped along. The burly Lilith Weiss was the next contestant to dock. She had a short ponytail, a hoodie with cut-off sleeves, and a genuine smile on her face.

Chris gestured to her. "Lilith Weiss! Welcome!"

"Hi, guys." She gave a wave to the two hosts and walked to the other campers.

Natalie leaned to Chris. "She's, like, two heads taller than me. You see that?"

Chris ignored her hyperbole and shrugged. The next boat shored up to the dock and dropped off Eric Yamada, a rather abnormal, short boy of sixteen years of age and Asian-American heritage. He wore a collared shirt and long pants (perhaps too long, unless that was the intention).

"Ladies and gentlemen," began Chris, "Eric Yamada!"

He said nothing and looked in the direction of the campers. "Nine campers."

Chris stared at him. "Yeah...?"

"That means I'm the tenth." Eric began to rub his forehead nervously.

"Is something the matter, Eric?" inquired Natalie, concerned.

"Ten is an incredibly unlucky number for me." Eric revealed.

Chris stammered, "I'm, uh, sorry to hear that, dude."

Eric kept rubbing his forehead with the heel of his palm. "Oh, man. This is an omen. It only gets worse from there. Why did I have to be the tenth?"

"You know, I can leave." Offered Martin.

"Look, just go stand over there, alright?" said Chris rather rudely. Eric sighed nervously and complied. Natalie gave a disapproving look to Chris. He looked flabbergasted. "What?!"

Irene Zimmerman was the next camper to reach the island. She wore was seemed to by a country club outfit. She had a short haircut and a beauty mole above the right side of her upper lip.

"Irene Zimmerman!" Chris announced. "Welcome!"

"Hi!" said a bubbly Irene. "I've never felt more ready to be here!"

"Glad to hear it!" added Natalie.

Irene walked over to the other contestants. "Hi, everyone. Good to meet you guys."

Everyone either nodded or gave an appropriate greeting to her. Olive Brunetti's boat was the next to pull ashore. She wore her hair in a messy bun and a sundress with flipflops. Her eyes shift around as she approaches the hosts.

"Olive Brunetti!" greeted Natalie. "Welcome!"

Olive respectfully nodded. "Thank you." She walked over to the other campers, not saying a word.

Vander smiled at her, taking a shine to her. "Hi, Olive. Nice to meet you."

Rebecca raised an eyebrow, getting a tad jealous. "What's up with that?"

"What's with what?" replied Vander, who wasn't paying much attention to her.

Rebecca decided to hold her tongue. "Nothing. Forget I said anything." Vander looked over at her through the corner of his eye for a beat before looking at the next boat to arrive to the dock.

Solomon Andrews docked on the Dock of Shame, and gave an affectatious, polite smile to the hosts and the campers. His jet-black hair was gelled into place and he wore a three-piece suit. He carried a briefcase.

"Wait, is this a business meeting?" Lucas inquired jokingly, looking himself over. "I am so very under dressed."

"Solomon Andrews!" Chris beamed. "Welcome to the island!"

"Thank you, sir." Solomon completely ignored Natalie, however. Natalie scowled at him as he walked to the other campers, taking off his pinstripe blazer and setting down his suitcase.

Lilith offered a hand to the young entrepreneur. "Lilith."

"Hello." Solomon shook her hand, smiling as if he were a politician.

Lucas spoke into his fist as if it were a microphone and jested to Ginny. "Are you running for re-election, Governor, or is one term good for you?"

Ginny laughed again, covering her mouth with one hand and slapping Lucas on the arm. "You're awful!"

Chris and Natalie turn to the camera. Chris addressed the home viewers. "With that, half of our contestants have arrived!"

"Thirteen down, thirteen to go!" Natalie added.

Chris nodded. "See the next thirteen come to the island after this commercial break!"

* * *

A few minutes later, Chris addressed the home viewers once again. "Welcome back! During the break, another camper arrived. Introducing Hailey Keller!"

The camera panned to Hailey Keller, a transgender, teenage girl wearing a tank top and a skirt. Her fashion sense was impeccable. She nervously waved at the camera.

"Hi, everyone," replied she. Hailey walked over to the other campers silently, making a conscious effort to swish her hips to get further in touch with her femininity. Solomon and Rebecca felt different levels of disgust or discomfort as Hailey neared them.

Nicholas Stratton was the next camper to be introduced. His hair was coiffed and his nose upturned. He wore a short sleeved shirt with the sleeves and front pocket both being maroon and the rest an off-white. The outfit was finished off with skinny jeans and Converse shoes.

Good ol' Nicholas surveyed his surroundings as Chris approached him. "Nicholas Stratton!"

All Nicholas said in reply was, "Another season at Camp Wawanakwa? Really?"

"Astute observation, Nick!" bubbled Chris.

Nicholas sucked his teeth and mumbled, "Damn, McLean, why you gotta be like that..." He walked to the other campers, not saying anything. Kendra seemed to like his personality, but said nothing. Instead, she turned the music down on her phone to observe him.

The vivacious Caitlyn O'Leary stepped onto the creaky, wooden dock with a smile bigger than the great rock of Gibraltar on her lips. Her shoulder-length, wavy red hair fluttered with the wind. She wore a striped tanktop with a very thin cardigan on top. She wore jean shorts and wedges.

Natalie smiled. "Welcome to the island, Caitlyn O'Leary!"

"Hi!" Caitlyn waved to everyone, with most campers waving back.

Ross gasped instead and ran toward Caitlyn. "Oh my god, Caitlyn?"

Caitlyn took a beat to recognize him and then gasped as well. "Ross Blair?! Holy crap!"

They embraced, laughing and swinging back and forth. Everyone watched as they pulled apart and reconnected (a more poignant phrase than originally intended).

"I can't believe it!" Ross beamed. "This is so serendipitous! I haven't seen you since middle school!"

Caitlyn sighed happily. "I wish you never moved to crummy old Ohio."

"Me neither! It sucks!" They laughed.

Chris interjected, slightly annoyed with the bubbliness. "Could you guys continue that conversation over there with the other campers, please?"

"Okay, yeah, sure!" Caitlyn remained unfazed.

Ross made sure to kiss some ass. "You got it, McLean!"

The two walked off to join the others, still bantering as the next boat pulled up.

"Are you going to stay in Ohio?"

"Not for long, I'm going to college in Boston!"

"Oh, fun!"

Shoshana Lopez sauntered up to Chris. She wore a long, floral dress with hoop earrings and dark, flowing hair.

"Shoshana Lopez, everyone!" Chris gestured toward Shoshana.

"Hello, Chris." She glided by him after giving him after a rather inappropriate tap on the butt. Chris gave a yelp before grabbing his own ass with both hands. Natalie broke into laughter, to Chris's chagrin.

"Shut up." Chris mumbled.

Shoshana immediately walked up to Daniel and switched on her charm. "Hey."

Daniel smiled. "Hey. I'm Daniel."

"Oooh," cooed Shoshana, " _Daniel_. Such a masculine name..."

Rather than taping a horribly predictable conversation, the cameraman made the brilliant decision of switching focus to the dock. The next contestant to reach the island was Keane Norwood. He wore a backwards Snapback and a hoodie. 'Beats by Dr. Dre' headphones hang around his neck. He stepped off the boat.

"Hey, jackasses." He snickered as he sauntered to the other campers.

Natalie sighed. "Keane Norwood of Toronto."

He sarcastically replied: "Reppin'."

A voice boomed from off-screen, startling everyone on the dock.

"And hello to the folks at home!"

The two hosts and the campers looked to the ocean blue to see a boat in the distance bearing the incompetent Jeffrey Traylor waving stupidly to the island. On his empty, little head was a Red Sox baseball cap, which masked a haircut gone wrong. Before he could reach the dock, Jeffrey stepped forward and into the water. After a beat, he came up for air and began to flounder about for air.

Chris sighed, rubbing his temples. "Sonofa-"

"I got him!" Taking initiative, Vander ran to the dock and snatched one of Jeffrey's flailing limbs and pulled him to safety. Jeffrey weezed for air as he soaked the wood of the dock surrounding him.

"Thanks," he mustered before crawling to the other campers, Vander following cautiously.

Natalie looked at her clipboard. "Jeffrey Traylor. That must be him."

"Having quite a bit of fun, here, aren't we?" harked a voice. Everyone turned slowly to see Quinton Gallagher, who had just arrived. A boat behind him motored off. Quinton was a gangly fellow with a patch of hair on his chin, bushy eyebrows, and a permanent scowl on his face.

"Quinton Gallagher!" Chris sighed and mustered a, "Welcome!"

Quinton shook his head slowly. "Whatever." He walked to the other campers, which suddenly had a new face among them. It was a girl with curly blonde hair draped over her left shoulder. Her glossed lips broke into a nervous grin. She wore glasses and had a healthy complexion.

Chris gaped, glancing down at his clipboard. "Julia Finnerty? When the he-"

Julia laughed awkwardly. "I got here before he did, but no one said anything."

Chris put his face in his hands. Natalie, who had been relatively silent up to this point, did the honors of saying, "Welcome, Julia!"

"Thank you." Julia resumed the private conversation she was having with Irene.

Meanwhile, Keane extended a hand to Quinton. "Keane Norwood. What's up?"

Quinton looked him up and down slowly before accepting. "What's up?"

Chris regained his composure as the next boat pulled to the dock and Sheena Tergesen landed with it. She wore a locket around her neck and a massive amount of eye shadow. She wore a short-sleeved shirt with Capris.

"Ms. Sheena Tergesen!" Chris announced, cheery once again. "Welcome to Total Drama: The Musical!"

"Mmhmm..." was all that Sheena could muster before she felt her nerves beginning to arouse. She stopped, took a deep breath, and smiled as she took her place with the other contestants. Chris looked after her, wondering what the display was for. Chris snapped out of this state of confusion when a voice boomed beside him.

"Chris McLean!"

He turned to see Darius Fenton, a young, slim African-American man with a stubble and a flat-top haircut. He wore a graphic tee, cargo shorts, and flip flops.

Chris grinned. "Darius Fenton! Welcome to Total Drama!"

"Thanks, bro." Darius walked to the other campers.

Eric Yamada looked him up and down. "You look kind of familiar."

Darius snickered. "You mean I look like DJ, right?"

Eric, astonished he was able to put his finger on it so quickly, nodded. "Yeah!"

Darius nodded with him, grinning from ear to ear. "Yeah, I'm his cousin."

The other campers stare at Darius, dumbfounded. During this, the next camper had arrived, and her name was Ashley Berkowitz. Her long brown hair had blonde highlights that reached the small of her back. Her bright blue eyes shone in the sunlight.

Natalie smiled. "Ashley Berkowitz! Welcome!"

She looked around, taking in Wawanakwa's scenic nature. "Wow, this place looks-!"

"Like shit?" Keane piped up from off-screen.

Her expression immediately went to a factitious frown. "Uh, yeah. Yeah. I wasn't appreciating it or, uh, anything."

Chris and Natalie gave her blank stares as she walked to the other campers.

The next boat to dock carried Xion Romano. This relatively always chill dude wore his hair in dreads with a hair tie keeping it all back. His dark skin and green eyes were also among his stand-out features.

"Xion R-R-R-Romano!" announced Chris, rolling his tongue.

"Hey, Chris McLean." Xion gave Chris a nod. "Natalie Grossman." He gave her one as well.

"Hello, Xion." She replied.

He jerked his head to the other campers and turned back to Natalie. "So these guys are my team mates?"

"Well, yes and no," she replied. "we'll explain more once everyone has arrived."

Irene looked around, counting heads. "It looks like there are twenty-five of us here now, so that shouldn't take long."

Xion nodded, comprehending. "Got it." He walked to the other campers.

The final contestant was the effervescent Rosalia Carlson. She was a biracial young woman: half African-American, half Hispanic. She had a curly afro and a hibiscus flower in her hair.

She smiled at everyone as she was helped off the boat by Chris. "Hi, guys."

"Rosalia Carlson!" shouted Chris. "Camper Nombre Twenty-six! Welcome to Total Drama: The Musical!"

"Thank you!" replied Rosalia. "I've been resting my voice for weeks, I'm psyched to be putting it to use!"

"Aren't we all?" Nicholas murmured to himself. Lilith shot him a look, which he ignored.

"Well, that makes twenty-six campers!" announced a pleased Natalie, clipping her pencil to her clipboard.

Chris whipped out a camera. "Alright, campers! Let's do a quick promo shot!" He immediately snapped a picture of the group of campers, none of which where ready. The non-photogenic snapshot appeared on the camera's screen as he chuckled with satisfaction. "That was so easy and SO worth it!"

The campers began to vocally protest. Natalie cut them off. "Alright, everyone! To the campfire pit! Let's go!"

* * *

The campers stand around the burnt-out campfire as Chris explained more of the competition to them. "Here we are. Your home for the next twelve weeks."

A damp Jeffrey interjected, confused a great deal by the way Chris phrased his introduction. "What, this campfire pit?"

Chris stopped and grew slightly frustrated. "Wha- No! I mean here! Camp Wawanakwa!"

Jeffrey nodded. "Ah, okay."

Chris shook his head, gathering all of the strength left within him to persevere through the speech. "The campers sitting around you could possibly be your teammates. They could be your opponents. They can be comes your friends. Or they can become your enemies. To usher along that natural process, Natalie and I have separated you folks into two teams. When I call your name, please make a group to my left. Lucas. Sheena. Ginny. Keane. Solomon. Shoshana. Daniel. Julia. Rebecca. Eric. Kendra. Rosalia. Aaaaaaand Xion! Move it, move it!"

The campers scrambled to the indicate spot they were to congregate. Eric began to rub his forehead again. "Again with number ten. Will it ever end?"

Chris throws a blue flag to Solomon. "You have officially been christened-" He stopped briefly to laugh at his own pun. However, he was the only one to. He clears his throat and continues: "You are now the RIFFIN' BUCKS!"

Solomon unfurled the flag to reveal their team logo, which included a buck with massive antlers with a music note near its mouth. The campers cheered and high-five each other. Keane, however, merely shrugged and grinned.

Natalie held the other flag. "The rest of you, come over here to me! Ross, Ashley, Olive, Vander, Jeffrey, Irene, Hailey, Martin, Nicholas, Lilith, Quinton, Darius, and Caitlyn!" They walked to Natalie as she threw a purple flag to Vander, which he immediately unfurled. Their logo was of a bald eagle with a music note by its beak. "You guys are now the Screeching Eagles!"

They all showed excitement. That is, all but Ashley. Trying to appear cooler than she was, she scoffed. "Purple?"

Vander smiled and looked at her. "The color of royalty."

Ashley, immediately embarrassed, made her demeanor more positive. "...Purple!"

Keane, who was with the other team, struggled to stifle his laughter. Lucas grinned.

"Alright, campers!" Chris took back the authoritative, proverbial reins. "There's one more thing I gotta show you before we go to your cabins to get you situated!"

* * *

 **Chris sat cross-legged on a toilet and talked to the camera.**

 **CHRIS: This is the confession cam. This is where you go to either get something off your chest and reveal your innermost thoughts or to dish some dirt about the other competitors.**

* * *

 **Quinton frowned, his head resting on a fist.**

 **QUINTON: I knew I should've passed on this. Advertisement at its worst.**

* * *

 **Martin sighed.**

 **MARTIN: Something tells me that I'll be talking to this inanimate camera more than anyone else here on the island. And that's a pretty depressing thought.**

* * *

 **Olive shrugged, leaning against the back wall pensively.**

 **OLIVE: I'm not sure if I trust any of these guys. I've seen these shows on TV, and everyone turns out to be manipulative and two-faced. Autonomy is key, I guess.**

* * *

 **Solomon crossed his arms.**

 **SOLOMON: If I don't win this competition, then this entire show is a joke. I surrounded by idiots. Up to my rib cage in fools.**

* * *

 **DANIEL: (gushing) I really think this Shoshana girl's the one. I really do. I'm already head over heels for her and I just met her! This is insane!**

* * *

 **HAILEY: (sighing) I'm really all there is to represent the transgender community on this show? It makes me feel as if I was picked as a joke.**

* * *

 **Rosalia sipped a water bottle, warming up her voice.**

 **ROSALIA: Zeeeee-aaaah! Zeeeee-aaaaah!**

* * *

 **Julia practiced a piano arpeggio with her nimble fingers.**

 **JULIA: (to herself, singing) Dumdududumdudumdeedaaahh...**

* * *

 **Ginny sat with her elbows on her knees, her hands covering her face, hiding a huge blushing smile.**

 **GINNY: Okay, so maybe I like him! But what's not to like? He's charming, funny, and my god! That hair! I could go on about it for days! It's so-**

* * *

Suddenly, a music note icon appeared in the top right corner of the screen. A bell chimed as Chris grinned and turned to the campers. "Would you look at that! It's time for you suckers to sing!"

The jaunty, common-time music began to emit from speakers hidden around the camp. The campers looked at each other, frozen.

"Sing WHAT?!" Sheena shouted, the first actual words she had spoken ever since she arrived.

Chris replied, "Anything! Freestyle! Take it away, campers!"

Sheena, having not the foggiest on what to sing about, cleared her throat to begin singing to the bouncy tune.

 _"Ode to Camp Wawanakwa"_

 **SHEENA:** (shaky, thinking of lyrics on the spot)  
Camp Wawanakwa,  
We'll always be true  
Camp Wawanakwa,  
Your oceans... Are blue-

 **NATALIE:  
** Sheena, good try, stop right there  
I don't intend to damper  
But let's forget the scenic view  
And sing about the campers!

Keane leaned to Quinton and whispered, "How the hell does she do that?" Quinton shook his head.

 **GINNY:  
** You mean we sing about ourselves  
And what we're really thinking?

 **CHRIS:  
** That's right, Fontana, keep it up!

 **LUCAS:  
** I feel my ego sinking!

 **SOLOMON:** (spoken)  
This singing thing happened a lot sooner than I anticipated.

 **CHRIS:** (singing)  
Well, you better do it soon  
Before you're eliminated!

A few campers were surprised that Chris had such a lovely vibrato. They also happened to be terrified of being eliminated within a few minutes of arriving.

Lucas leaned to Ginny. "I think we're good."

Keane stepped forward, clearing his throat.

 **KEANE:**  
Oh, Camp Wawanakwa  
This place is a hell

 **MARTIN:**  
I hope this little competition  
Will bring me out of my shell

 **CHRIS:** (spoken)  
Good!

Chris gave Martin a thumbs-up. Martin grinned, satisfied with himself. The song continued.

 **ROSS:**  
Twelve weeks on the island  
I hope I win the dough

 **ERIC:**  
I know I won't, I have been cursed  
You haven't even heard the worst  
Go on, just watch me be the first  
The first of us to go!

 **ASHLEY:**  
Oh, Camp Wawanakwa  
I don't know what to think

 **KENDRA:**  
Of course you don't, but who's to say?

 **JEFFREY:**  
I think I need a drink.

 **HAILEY:** (spoken)  
What?

 **NICHOLAS:**  
I never thought that twenty-six  
Was so much until now

 **SOLOMON:**  
We'll weed a camper out by night  
They'll disappear from left to right  
I'll sit back and enjoy the fight  
Until I take my bow!

 **REBECCA:**  
Oh, Camp Wawanakwa  
Yes, I already regret  
That I chose to spend my summer here  
My folks will be in debt

 **CAITLYN:**  
You gotta be more positive  
We're at a freaking camp!

 **HAILEY:**  
You gotta take it on the chin

 **DARIUS:**  
Turn that frown into a grin

 **IRENE:**  
It may take something from within

 **JEFFREY:**  
I think I got a cramp.

 **QUINTON:**  
Camp Wawanakwa  
This whole thing is a mess

 **XION:**  
Not if you just chill out, man

 **QUINTON:**  
I like you even less

 **OLIVE:**  
Oh, Camp Wawanakwa  
Is a little weird to me

 **DANIEL:**  
This whole place is sketchy as hell!

 **SHOSHANA:** (to Daniel)  
At least there's you!

 **JEFFREY:** (spoken)  
Hey what's that smell?

 **LILITH:** (spoken)  
That's you.

 **JEFFREY:** (spoken)  
Oh.

 **LILITH:**  
This will not go well  
Unless you use Degree!

Suddenly, the sound of a piano wafted through the air. The campers whipped around to see Julia at the piano, doing what she does best. She slowed the tempo down a tad.

"Where the hell did that come from?" came an inquiry from Natalie.

 **JULIA:**  
Camp Wawanakwa,  
It's tearing at the seams  
It's the place for laughs and tears  
For envy, angst, and dreams

Rosalia walked to the piano to join her.

 **ROSALIA:**  
Camp Wawanakwa  
Don't you cry for me! _[Julia dramatically gives a chord tremolo]_  
Whoa-a-a-a-a yeah ye-aaaaah!

Rosalia displayed a magnificent riff, which garnered a positive response from the other campers, and even Julia herself. Vander walks to the piano.

 **VANDER:**  
This isn't for the faint of heart  
We're hear to praise a higher art  
You'd loosen up-

 **VANDER AND ROSALIA** [harmony] **:**  
If you were smaaaaaaaaaart!

 **DANIEL AND SHOSHANA** [in a canon to make four-part harmony] **:**  
You should staaaaaaart!

 **EVERYONE (including CHRIS and NATALIE):**  
Because you're on TV!

The music kicked back in, picking up energy until it hit the final button. Everyone posed, panting heavily. After a pause, Chris broke his pose.

"Alright, so let's go see about those cabins, eh?"

* * *

PLEASE REVIEW!


	2. Another Op'nin', Another Show

This one certainly required a wait, huh? Thanksgiving break and I finally finish the second chapter. Might as well let bygones be bygones, huh? I stayed up all night with this one, so - by all means - enjoy.

* * *

Two cabins: both dinky, wooden structures fifty feet apart that were almost completely identical. Each had a porch, steps leading up to a door, and an overhang. The campers approached their new stations for the next few months with ambivalence in their guts.

Chris gestured toward the edifices. "Welcome to your new cabins! Make yourself at home, campers!"

The contestants split up by gender and filed into each cabin, apprehensively cracking open the doors.

* * *

The girls encroached upon their cabin. Ashley was trying to figure out how to shape her response to her new surroundings to match everyone else. "It's..."

Kendra held up a hand. "Stop right there."

Ashley drooped a bit, deflated. Hailey threw her duffel bag onto a top bunk, which landed with a hard thump rather than the sound of a mattress catching the weight. Rebecca, who happened to be lying on the top bunk, cried out and shot up, holding her head.

"Mother of God!"

Hailey jumped. "Oh, god! I'm sorry!"

Rebecca shook her head. "Strike one, Keller. Strike one."

Hailey rescinded her duffel bag.

* * *

 **HAILEY: I always knew I had a knack for first impressions.**

* * *

Meanwhile, in the boy's cabin, Keane decided it was a fine idea to piss out of the window. Nicholas, who was watching with a very disgusted expression, reached into his suitcase and pulled out a pair of scissors. He handed them to Keane wordlessly. Keane narrowed his eyes at Nicholas.

"What?" said Nicholas.

During this exchange, Solomon and Quinton began to strike up a conversation with each other.

"I'm currently at Tefler getting a degree in business," said Solomon, "but I also hope to apply somewhere else for a law degree. I took my LSATs a week ago and I'm still awaiting the results. What about you?"

Quinton responded with, "I'm actually working as a contractor. I'm an apprentice as of now, but I'm hoping to buy out my own company."

"Are you any good?" Solomon removed his expensive Rolex and placed it inside of a case.

"I'd like to think so." Quinton replied. "I've been working at it my whole life, just about. Building sets for school shows and all that."

"So that's your connection to this whole musical thing? That's why they picked you for this show?"

Quinton nodded. "That's what I'm thinking. And I was given ensemble and understudy roles because there was hardly anyone in the program. What about you, Mr. Business Man?"

Solomon chortled, chucking his watch case between his hands, deftly. "I did theatre throughout high school myself, starting my sophomore year. But I never got anything bigger than a supporting role, which I didn't really mind. I've always wanted a degree in business, that's the focus."

"Well, I think you made a wise decision with the business degree. It's pragmatic."

"I think so, too. I mean, hey. It guarantees a better salary. That's a must."

Quinton's eyes shifted around to the other boys. Jeffrey had fallen out of the window, Nicholas was ignoring Keane's obnoxious attitudes toward him, Martin had probably left for the bathroom, Lucas was throwing darts at a dartboard he set up, Ross was stretching on the ground, Vander was making his bed, Darius and Xion were leaning against a wall and chatting silently, Daniel was gazing out the window Keane used to pee (unbeknownst to him), and Eric was lying in his bed and staring at the bunk above him, sweating profusely.

Quinton gave Solomon a nudge. "Could I talk with you in private?"

Solomon looked at him for a moment, deciding whether or not he should trust him. "What about?"

Quinton grinned. "Winning two million dollars."

After a well-considered beat, Solomon nodded. "I'm game."

The two men walked out of the cabin. Vander noticed this and walked over to Lucas, picking up a few darts.

"Mind if I play, Luke?"

Lucas turned to look at him, smiling. "Yeah, man. Just, uh, just try not to suck as much as I do."

Lucas proceeded to make a dart hit the bulls-eye. Vander laughs, then slowly inched closer to Lucas, whispering.

"Solomon and Quinton just walked out, and it looked hella suspicious. What do you think is going on?"

Lucas shrugged. "My guess? They're gonna make out, maybe some foreplay."

Vander groaned. "I'm serious, Lucas!"

Lucas stopped throwing darts, turning to Vander. "Oh, come on, it's obvious what they're doing! That's usually what ends up happening on these reality shows anyway, it was only a matter of time before someone formed one."

Vander sighed nervously. "That's what I was afraid of."

After a beat, and a dart, Lucas inquired, "Why'd you come to me about this?"

"What?"

"Well, How do you know you can trust me? What if I were an informant?"

Vander smiled. You seem like a trustworthy guy. And I'm willing to take my chances."

"So what do you want to do about this? What are you getting at?"

Vander hesitated, then decided to come right out with it. "We could form our own," he whispered.

"Our own alliance?" Lucas repeated, normal volume.

Vander jumped, startled. "Shh! Not so loud! Jesus!" He laughed nervously.

Lucas gave a hearty laugh. "No. I don't think that's necessary."

Vander looked slightly crestfallen. "You don't? Why not?"

"Well, Vander, it would make us no better than them."

"I get that, man, but hear me out-"

Lucas whirled around, slightly impatient. "Look, I'll give it to you straight because you don't seem to get it: it would be a stupid thing to do right now. If it ever becomes necessary, then I'll reconsider."

Vander looked slightly hurt. Lucas quickly picked up on this and placed a hand on Vander's shoulder.

"Look, I have no problem with you, and I hope you know that. If I find myself in too deep, I'll know who to go to. Does that sound fairly reasonable?"

Lucas offered a hand to Vander. Vander gazed at it before finally accepting.

"Alright, alright." He shook Luke's hand. Lucas hands Vander another dart. Ross, who has been stretching near them, looks quizzically at Vander.

* * *

 **ROSS: I'm getting some weird vibes from everyone, and we've been on the island for less than two hours.**

* * *

Chris strutted to the area between the two cabins, brandishing a megaphone. He flipped it on, brought it to his lips, and shouted into it.

"CAMPERS! TO THE MESS HALL! PRONTO!"

Chris trotted off and campers came filing out of each cabin, complaining of earaches and damaged cilia.

* * *

 **Jeffrey stared at the camera blankly, his ears pulsating. After a beat:**

 **JEFFREY: Could you run that by me again?**

* * *

The campers arrived at the mess hall. Chef glared at all of his new customers as he instructed them on the skinny of the mess hall rules.

"Listen up, maggots! I ain't your daddy, I ain't your friend. I am your chef. I am your only source of food. Got that? I serve my food three times a day. You will eat my food three times a day! Do I make myself clear? Now all of you to line your asses up NOW!"

The campers, genuinely terrified of this man, quickly grabbed trays and scattered themselves into a neat line. Chef began to serve each camper as they came up to his window, displeased with the slop served to them. Some hid their consternation better than others, although Chef didn't give a crap either way. The campers sat at tables to slowly digest their food. Eric stepped up to the counter, eyes flitting about and breathing heavily. Chef raised an eyebrow.

"Why you lookin' so shifty?'

Eric looked at him. "I'm tenth in line."

Chef served Eric his slop, giving him a look. "Double time, weird boy."

Eric sighed, still sweating profusely.

* * *

 **Eric continues to rub his forehead.**

 **ERIC: It's inescapable. I don't know what to do. (has a realization) Wait a minute. This is the tenth thing I've said on the show. Oh dear.**

* * *

Irene poked her pile of unidentified goop with a fork. After it growled, Irene pushed her tray away from her. "That settles that."

Martin meekly prodded his food, staring at his fellow teammates. "So, when do you think the first challenge will be?"

Lilith shrugged. "Tomorrow. It's probably tomorrow."

"How can you be so sure?" Irene asked her.

"We just got here! It would be stupid to do a challenge the same day we got here."

"Au contraire!" Boomed a voice behind Lilith.

Lilith turned to see Chris smiling craftily at her before walking to the center of the room.

"Campers! Meet me at the auditorium in ten minutes for your first challenge!"

As Chris exited, Lilith muttered to herself. "So I was wrong. No problem."

Martin, noticing the success of his first conversation starter, followed the same method. "So, what do you think the first challenge will be?"

Caitlyn pondered for a moment. "I don't know. But I'll bet it has to do with singing, right?"

Lilith shook her head. "Can't be, we already sung today. Used that one up. There's no way we would sing again."

* * *

Chris stood on the stage in front of the campers, instructing with glee and enthusiasm. "Today's challenge is a singing challenge!"

* * *

 **Lilith buried her head in her hands.**

 **LILITH: Life isn't fair.**

* * *

"More specifically," he continued, "it's one that tests your basic knowledge of songs! Here's how it will play out: we will put on well-known songs. When we call your name, you will sing for an unspecified amount of time. When the next person is called, you stop. When you screw up, you're out. Got it?"

Xion raised his hand. Chris looked over at him.

"Yeah? Xion?"

Xion stood. "So one screw-up and we're out? Doesn't that seem a little unfair?"

Chris chuckled, nodding. "That's the beauty of it!"

"That was of no consolation." Xion remarked dreadfully as he resumed sitting.

Chris resumed his speech. "Natalie will be our DJ, and Chef our standby judge!"

Chef waved from a table in the back of the auditorium, stoic. Campers shot each other looks of equaled fear.

* * *

 **VANDER: Okay, the chef is seriously an unsettling guy. He's, like, several health violations in human form. Truly disconcerting.**

* * *

Chris called offstage for Natalie. "DJ Nat Dogg! You ready?"

Natalie peeked on from offstage, truly thrown. "What did you call me?"

Chris was astounded that her '90s reference was lost on her. "Uh, Nat Dogg? A play on the late Nate D- forget it. What's the first song?"

"Let's consult the wheel!" Natalie announced.

She ventured toward a lever positioned near the stage's proscenium and gave it a valiant tug. A wheel descended from the rafters and began to rotate. It landed on "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor.

"Ooh!" Chris exclaimed. "Nice one! Alright, campers! Onto the stage! Bucks on stage right, Eagles on stage left!"

* * *

 **REBECCA: This has to be a back-up challenge. There's no way they would give us a challenge this stupid.**

* * *

Everyone made it onto the stage, in their respective clumps.

Chris turned to the campers. "Remember, kids! Whoever I call upon must sing. And, most importantly, sing correctly. This means the notes, this means the words, this means all the bells and whistles. Natalie, get us started."

The song began. As the piano sounded its downward arpeggio, Chris's eyes scanned the campers, looking for a viable candidate to start off. He locked eyes with Ashley.

She turned a paler color. "Crap."

"Have fun!" Chris walked to the side of the stage.

Ashley took a deep, wavering breath, and began.

 **ASHLEY:**  
At first I was afraid,  
I was petrified  
Kept thinking I would have to live  
Without you by my side

 **CHRIS:** Rosalia!

Ashley sighed euphorically as Darius and Lilith gave her comforting pats and side-hugs. Rosalia stepped forward and delivered her segment with immense gravitas.

 **ROSALIA:**  
But then I spent so many nights  
Thinking how you did me wrong  
And I grew strong  
And I learned how to get along

And so you're back

 **SHOSHANA:** (interjecting, encouragingly)  
Get it, girl!

 **ROSALIA:**  
From outer space  
I just walked in to find you here  
With that sad look upon your face

 **CHRIS:** Jeffrey!

Rosalia pumped a triumphant fist in the air as she fell back into line, so to speak. Jeffrey still couldn't hear anything. He noticed everyone staring at him.

"Wh-What? Were you talking to me? I have no idea what's going on right now, can I just say that?"

A buzzer sounded and the music blasting over the speakers abruptly cut off. The Eagles groaned.

"Jeffrey!" Chris announced. "You are out!"

Jeffrey didn't realize that Chris was talking to him. Keane turned Jeffrey toward Chris.

Jeffrey was still very bamboozled. "What? What? Were you saying something? Or something?"

Chris happily clarified. "You. Are. Out."

"I seriously can't hea-"

"For the love of all that is -" He quickly gave up. "Natalie!"

Natalie entered from offstage. "On it."

She walked over to Jeffrey and took his arm, escorting him offstage. Chris walked over to the lever.

"Alright, time for another song!"

He pulled the lever and the wheel began to spin again. It finally landed on "All the Small Things" by Blink-182.

Keane grinned. "Ah. Classic."

Kendra grimaced at him. "A pop-punk fan? And I almost thought you were better than that."

Keane defended his childhood. "Hey! Blink's a great band!"

Kendra scoffed. "Yeah, if you love the sounds of the same four chords!"

Chris interrupted. "Ladies! You're both pretty! Now let's go!"

Keane rolled his eyes.

* * *

 **Keane shook his head, sniggering.**

 **KEANE: She's really going to get sanctimonious with me over a band from the late '90s?**

* * *

Chris continued. "Kendra, you're first."

"Son of a bitch." Kendra muttered as balance and order was restored in the world.

The music began with heavy electric guitar pumping through the auditorium.

"Oh, come on!" Keane taunted condescendingly. "What could be so hard about a song with the same four chords?"

Kendra growled, "I really hate you right now."

She then began to sing.

 **KENDRA:**  
All the small things  
True care, truth brings  
I'll take one lift  
Your ride, best trip

Always, I know  
You'll be at my show  
Watching, waiting  
Commiserating

She turned to Chris. "Keep going?"

Chris nodded matter-of-factly. "Uh, yah!"

 **KENDRA:** (spoken) God!  
(sung) Say it ain't so  
I will not go  
Turn the lights off  
Carry me home

"Nicholas!" Chris shouted.

"Alright." Nicholas waited for the next verse when all of the sudden the buzzer sounded and the music stopped. Nicholas came to a realization.

"Oh, don't tell me the 'na-na's counted."

Chris laughed, then became serious for a split-second. "They counted."

"That's completely unfair!" Complained slighted Nicholas. "That would've been a nice preface!"

Chris shrugged. "You win some, you lose some. Later!"

Nicholas stalked offstage.

* * *

 **Nicholas leaned angrily against the wall, his arms crossed.**

 **NICHOLAS: You can't tell me I wasn't cheated out of that. No idea freakin' onomatapeia counted as lyrics you had to recite for this damn thing.**

* * *

Natalie walked over to the lever. "Alright, next up."

She pulled the lever and the wheel spinned, landing on "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Theme".

Darius was greatly perplexed. "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"

Even Chris was genuinely surprised. "I honestly did not think that the wheel would land on that one. Regardless, we're doing it. Take it away, Martin!"

Martin nervously stepped forward as the music started.

 **MARTIN:**  
Now, this is a story all about how  
My life got flipped-turned upside-down  
And I'd like to take a moment,  
Just sit right there  
I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air

 **CHRIS:** Nice! Solomon!

 **SOLOMON:**  
In west Philadelphia born and raised  
On the playground was where I spent most of my days

 **CHRIS:** Daniel!

 **DANIEL:**  
Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool  
And all shootin some b-ball outside of the school  
When a couple of guys who were up to no good  
Started making trouble in my neighborhood  
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared  
She said-

 **CHRIS:** (simultaneous with 'she said') Ginny!

 **GINNY:** (with character)  
'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air'!

Lucas picked up on her willingness to let loose and smiled. Already she had transcended any girl he had ever met in his life. He couldn't put his finger on how she was extraordinary, but, at least to him, knowing she was extraordinary was enough for him.

Chris smiled. "Nice! Eric!"

Eric, who had obviously been counting, realized he was the tenth person to be called on.

"Not again with the ten!"

He ran dramatically offstage. The music continued.

Chris shrugged. "Let's just stick with this one a little longer. Shoshana!"

 **SHOSHANA:**  
I whistled for a cab and when it came near  
The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror-

The music stopped suddenly and the buzzer sounded. The campers looked around, confused.

Daniel felt righeously indignant for his lady pal. "What gives, McLean?"

Chris was obviously enjoying this. "You skipped, like, four verses, Shoshana."

Shoshana gaped. "Four verses? What four verses?"

Darius sighed, explaining. "I hate to say it, but he's right. There are verses in the middle that they leave out of the opening sequence of the show but include in the actual full-length song. The next verse was something like, 'I begged and pleaded with her day after day'. Something along those lines."

Chris pointed at Darius emphatically. "Boom! I was right! Buh-bye, Sho!"

* * *

 **SHOSHANA: How many more of these tricks is Chris going to pull?**

 **The camera zoomed out to show Daniel in there with her.**

 **DANIEL: You tell 'em, Shoshana.**

 **SHOSHANA: Thank you, baby.**

 **She kissed him.**

* * *

Shoshana exited the stage. Chris turned to the campers.

"Alright, it is now tied eleven-to-eleven. Now we up the ante, why don't we?"

"As if we had a choice." Lucas muttered flatly to Ginny.

Chris called for his lovely assistant. "Natalie!"

"On it!" Said she, already by the lever, which she pulled.

The wheel landed on a question mark. The campers grumbled amongst themselves. Chris was too busy stifling laughter to care.

"Quinton! You start!"

The music began. It was "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley. That's right, Chris and Natalie rick-roll'd EVERYONE. Quinton felt rage boil within him.

"Oh, you're such a di-"

Quinton stopped himself, as he had a song to sing and two million dollars to eventually obtain.

 **QUINTON:**  
We're no strangers to love  
You know the rules, and so do I  
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of  
You wouldn't get this from any other guy

 **CHRIS:** Lucas!

 **LUCAS:** (spoken) Bite me.  
(sung) I just wanna tell you how I'm feelin'  
Gotta make you, understand

Never gonna give you up  
Never gonna let you down  
Never gonna run around and desert you  
Never gonna make you cry  
Never gonna say goodbye  
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

 **CHRIS:** Ross!

 **ROSS:** (spoken) Damnit!  
(sung) We've known each other for so long  
Your heart's been aching but  
You're too shy to say it  
Inside we both know what's been going on  
We know the game but we're gonna play it  
I-

The music stopped. The buzzer sounded. Chris walked up to Ross and had only one word on his lips.

"'And'."

Ross repeated him, deflated. "'And'."

Chris reassured him, "Good try."

Ross didn't look at him. "Yeah, yeah."

As he walked offstage, Caitlyn cheered for him from the Eagle clump.

"Go Ross! Whoo!"

Ross turned in her direction, smiling earnestly. In any other situation, her shouting might've been deemed ridiculous or inappropriate, even awkward. But Ross genunely appreciated her involvement in his life.

"Thanks, Cait!" He exited.

* * *

 **Ross grins like an idiot.**

 **ROSS: Honestly, having a good friend on this island makes this whole experience so much easier. So much more bearable.**

* * *

Natalie pulled the lever and the wheel spun once more. It landed on "All-Star" by Smash Mouth.

Julia furrowed her brow. "Never really cared for Shrek, honestly. The musical was okay."

"Then you get to start it off!" decided Christopher McLean.

Julia wanted to express her distaste, but couldn't find a propler way to do so. "Uh, actually... Alright."

The music began, as did Julia.

 **JULIA:**  
Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me  
I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed  
She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb  
In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

 **CHRIS:** Caitlyn!

 **CAITLYN:**  
Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming  
Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running  
Didn't make sense not to live for fun  
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb  
So much to do, so much to see  
So what's wrong with taking the back streets?  
You'll never know if you don't go  
You'll never shine if you don't glow

 **CHRIS:** Irene!

 **IRENE:**  
Hey now you're an All Star  
Get your game on, go play  
Hey now you're a rock star  
Get the show on get paid  
And all that glitters is gold  
Only shooting stars break the mold

 **CHRIS:** Olive!

 **OLIVE:**  
It's a cool place, but they say it gets colder  
You're bundled up now-

The music stopped. The buzzer sounded. The campers grew restless.

"What was wrong with that?" Lilith claimed defensively.

Olive was greatly confused and could only muster, "Wait, what happened?

Chris walked to the edge of the stage, using his left hand as a visor to shield his eyes from the stage lights. "Chef, read back what Olive sang."

Chef put down his pencil and recited, standing. "It's a cool place, but they say it gets colder/You're bundled up now- What was wrong with that? Wait, what hap-"

Chris put up his other hand to stop Chef. "Not. That. But thank you, Chef. Now can you read the actual lyrics? _Slowly_."

Chef picked up a nearby slice of paper. "It's a cool place and they say it gets colder-"

Chris interrupted. "See? It's 'and'. Not 'but'. Thank you again, Chef."

Chef sat, grumbling under his breath. "Minimum wage for this shit. Can you believe it?"

Chris turned to Olive. "See ya, Olive!"

* * *

 **OLIVE: I mean, seeing that I actually got a word wrong, I can't really be that mad. But it's just a modifier. Whatever.**

* * *

Olive has departed. Chris rubbed his hands together eagerly. "Next song! Natalie!"

"You got it." said a pathetically done Natalie. She pushed the lever and the wheel spun agonizingly slow, landing on "Oops! ...I Did It Again" by Britney Spears.

"Rebecca!" Chris grinned at the poor sucker he chose.

Rebecca soured. "Oh, no no no."

Chris laughed. "Don't you mean, 'yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah'?"

The music started. Rebecca glared at Chris as she sang.

 **REBECCA:**  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

"Good! Hailey!"

"Strike one, McLean." Muttered Rebecca.

 **HAILEY:**  
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Hailey was absolutely killing it, moves and all. Her teammates were impressed.

"Damn, Hailey! You go!" Cheered Darius.

 **HAILEY:**  
I think I did it again  
I made you believe we're more than just friends  
Oh baby, It might seem like a crush  
But it doesn't mean that I'm serious

'Cause to lose all my senses  
That is just so typically me  
Oh baby, baby

 **CHRIS:** Lilith!

 **LILITH:**  
Oops, I did it again  
I played with your heart  
Got lost in the game  
Oh, baby, baby,  
Oops, you think I'm in love  
That I'm sent from above  
I'm not that innocent

 **CHRIS:** Keane!

Keane was a deer in the headlights of a monster truck. "I don't know this verse!"

The music stopped and the buzzer sounded. Chris pointed offstage.

"This verse," Chris repeateded derisively. "Sayonara."

Keane glared and stomped off. "I know, I know. Sorry for not being well-versed in Britney Spears."

Keane exited. Kendra chuckled.

* * *

 **KENDRA: I get so much personal pleasure from seing that happen to that asswad. Apparently they call this schadenfreude. I call it exactly what needed to happen.**

* * *

Natalie spun the wheel, and it landed on "Anthony's Song (Movin' Out)" by Billy Joel. The campers gave positive reactions.

"There isn't anyone who can hate that beautiful man." Xion claimed, grinning from ear to ear.

The other campers nod in agreement.

Chris pursed his lips. "What an odd coincidence. Take it away, Xion."

The iconic plunking of ivory began as Xion channeled the Piano Man.

 **XION:**  
Anthony works in the grocery store  
Savin' his pennies for someday  
Mama Leone left a note on the door  
She said, "Sonny, move out to the country"

Working too hard can give you a  
heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack  
You oughta know by now

 **CHRIS:** Darius!

 **DARIUS:**  
Who needs a house out in Hackensack  
Is that what you get with your money

It seems such a waste of time  
If that's what it's all about  
Mama if that's movin' up  
Then I'm movin' out

 **CHRIS:** Sheena!

 **SHEENA:**  
Sergeant O'Leary is walkin' the beat  
At night he becomes a bartender  
He works at Mister Cacciatore's down  
On Sullivan Street  
Across from the medical center

 **CHRIS:** Caitlyn!

 **CAITLYN:**  
He's tradin' in his Chevy for a Cadillac-ac-ac-ac-ac-ac  
You oughta know by now  
And if he can't drive  
With a broken back  
At least he can polish the fenders

 **CHRIS:** Martin!

 **MARTIN:**  
It seems such a waste of time  
If that's what it's all about  
Mama if that's movin' up  
Then I'm movin' out

Chris turned to Chef, who looked up and shrugged. "Shit," the host muttered. He turned to the campers. "Ashley!"

 **ASHLEY:**  
You should never argue with a crazy mind  
You oughta know by now  
You can pay Uncle Sam with the overtime  
Is that all you get for your money?

And it seems like a waste of time-

The music stopped and the buzzer sounded. Ashley brought an open palm to her forehead.

"Augh! I knew that! I just got carried away! Sorry, guys!"

Chris was relieved. "Finally. Someone screwed up. Beat it, Ashley."

"I'm going." She exited.

* * *

 **Daniel hums the song to himself. He stopped to give his opinion on Mr. Joel.**

 **DANIEL: But I gotta say, "Scenes From an Italian Restaurant" is his best of all time. Forever and always.**

 **He resumes humming the original song.**

* * *

Chris had grown restless, wanting a victor. "Okay, forget the wheel. I've got the song to weed most of you out anyway. And its name is 'One Week' by the Barenaked Ladies!"

Most of the campers felt like excusing themselves to the restrooms at that moment.

Chris continued. "And not to worry, we're playing this bad boy all the way through. Starting with Lucas!"

Lucas gritted his teeth. "Ecstatic."

"I thought you'd be." Responded the host.

An awkward beat as Lucas waited for music.

"Wait, so do I just start?"

"Yeah. It's all you."

"Oh." Lucas took a deep breath and sand, "It's been-"

The music kicked in after he began singing.

 **LUCAS:**  
One week since you looked at me  
Threw your arms in the air-

The buzzer sounded, but the music continued.

Chris smiled at the success of his plan. "Jumped a verse. Sheena!"

Lucas exited, muttering a profanity under his breath so filthy it was heavily censored in the live broadcast.

 **SHEENA:**  
Five days since you laughed at me, saying  
"Get that together, come back and see me"  
Three days since the living room  
I realized it's all my fault, but couldn't tell you  
Yesterday you'd forgiven me  
But it'll still be two days 'til we say we're sorry-

The buzzer sounded again.

Chris cackled maniacally. "I, not we! Bye, Sheen!"

"Damnit." She exited.

Knowing the rap section was approaching fast, most of the campers stepped back, leaving only Ginny standing downstage. But she had a confident glimmer in her eye. She turned to Chris as the background music vamped.

"Real quick, if I don't screw any of this up, the entire song, can this win it for my team?"

Chris shrugged, seeing it as a win-win either way. "Alright, go for it."

 **GINNY:**  
Hold it now and watch the hoodwink  
As I make you stop, think  
You'll think you're looking at Aquaman  
I summon fish to the dish  
Although I like the Chalet Swiss  
I like the sushi cause it's never touched a frying pan

Lucas watched from the stage left wing, welling up with feelings he had never before experienced at any point in his life. "Wow," was all he could muster at the sight.

Again, he had no idea what exactly he found so appealing about someone reciting a goofy pop-culture rap from the late '90s that had some slightly sexist and perverted lyrics. Nonetheless, he left as if he had an affinity with someone, truly. And it had been only a few hours since they met.

 **GINNY:**  
Hot like wasabi when I bust rhymes  
Big like LeAnn Rimes  
Because I'm all about value  
Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits  
You try to match wits  
You try to hold me but I bust through  
Gonna make a break and take a fake  
I'd like a stinking aching shake  
I like vanilla, it's the finest of the flavours  
Gotta see the show, cause then you'll know  
The vertigo is gonna grow  
Cause it's so dangerous  
You'll have to sign a waiver

 **ROSALIA AND GINNY:** (Rosalia harmonizes)  
How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad?  
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad  
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral  
Can't understand what I mean?  
Well, you soon will  
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve  
I have a history of taking off my shirt

Her team joins in for the chorus.

 **RIFFING BUCKS:**  
It's been one week since you looked at me  
Threw your arms in the air  
And said "You're crazy"  
Five days since you tackled me  
I've still got the rug burns on both my knees  
It's been three days since the afternoon  
You realized it's not my fault  
Not a moment too soon  
Yesterday you'd forgiven me  
And now I sit back and wait til you say you're sorry

Ginny steps forward again, commanding the stage.

 **GINNY:**  
Chickity China, the Chinese chicken  
You have a drumstick and your brain stops tickin'  
Watching X-Files with no lights on  
We're dans la maison  
I hope the Smoking Man's in this one  
Like Harrison Ford I'm getting frantic  
Like Sting I'm tantric  
Like Snickers, guaranteed to satisfy  
Like Kurasawa I make mad films  
Okay, I don't make films  
But if I did they'd have a Samurai  
Gonna get a set of better clubs  
Gonna find the kind with tiny nubs  
Just so my irons aren't always flying off the back-swing  
Gotta get in tune with Sailor Moon  
Cause that cartoon has got the boom anime babes  
That make me think the wrong thing

 **ROSALIA, GINNY, AND JULIA:** (Julia adds a third harmony)  
How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad  
Trying hard not to smile though I feel bad  
I'm the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral  
Can't understand what I mean?  
Well, you soon will  
I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve  
I have a history of losing my shirt

 **RIFFING BUCKS:**  
It's been one week since you looked at me  
Dropped your arms to your sides  
And said "I'm sorry"  
Five days since I laughed at you and said  
"You just did just what I thought you were gonna do"  
Three days since the living room  
We realized we're both to blame  
But what could we do?  
Yesterday you just smiled at me  
Cause it'll still be two days 'til we say we're sorry

 **ROSALIA, GINNY, AND JULIA:**  
It'll still be two days 'til we say we're sorry  
It'll still be two days 'til we say we're sorry

 **GINNY:**  
Birchmount Stadium, home of the Robbie

Chris, completely amazing, was bouncing from wall to wall. "She even got the last part! Bucks win! Bucks win!"

The Bucks swarmed around Ginny, cheering wildly. Those who lost previously came back on stage to either join the bummed Eagles or to revel in victory with the Bucks. Lucas, specifically, made a beeline for Ginny. He made it all the way to her and took her hands.

"Ginny Fontana. That was the most attracitve thing I've ever seen a person do in my entire life."

Ginny grinned. "It's better to show off when a cute boy compliments you for it."

Lucas chuckled. "Shut up."

They shared a kiss. The Riffing Bucks commenced louder cheering. Chris broke up the excitement.

"Alright, alright! You're free from the marshmallow ceremony tonight, Riffing Bucks! Go enjoy your freedom!"

The Bucks exited jubilantly, Lucas and Ginny trailing behind everyone, hand in hand. Chris hovered over to the Eagles, who were doing anything but Screeching.

"Screeching Eagles. It was a valiant effort, but it just wasn't good enough. This, of course, meaning you will all attend the marshmallow ceremony tonight and you will all vote for one of your teammates' removal. See you at the pit at nine o' clock sharp, campers.

* * *

 **CAITLYN: How in the holy hell did Ginny do that? Who memorizes all that?**

* * *

 **VANDER: That reminds me. I have all of "Scenario" by A Tribe Called Quest memorized. I wonder if that will ever come in handy.**

* * *

At the mess hall, only the Screeching Eagles are present, having stayed behind after the Riffing Bucks swept through and consumed their meals. Jeffrey dumbly sat off by himself, still partially deaf. Vander, Ross, Caitlyn, and Darius conferenced over who to vote off of their team and off the island.

Darius jammed a thumb in Jeffrey's direction. "It seems to me that the obvious choice is Hear-No-Evil over there."

"I can see that." Reasoned Caitlyn. "I mean, he was the first one eliminated."

Vander added, "And it was freakin' "I Will Survive", literally everyone knows that song."

"I mean, who else is there?" inquired Ross. "Everyone else is fairly okay."

Vander quickly swallowed a bite of food. "I mean, except Quinton, of course."

Ross nodded. "Right.

Caitlyn stopped. "Quinton? What about him?"

Vander raised his eyebrows. "I think he's up to, uh, something."

"No, he definitely is." Ross emphasized. "He's starting an alliance with Solomon."

"Solomon?" Caitlyn rubbed her temple.

Ross nodded again. "And we need to stomp it out quickly, before it gets worse."

Darius pursed his lips. "I'm not so sure."

"What do you mean?" asked Vander.

Darius explained, "If we vote off Quinton, Solomon knows we know. Then it could really bite us in the ass."

"Not necessarily," Vander disputed. "Solomon's on the other team. He can't touch us."

"Knowing him, he'll find a way."

"I say we stick with Jeffrey," said Caitlyn.

Vander sighed. "Come on, guys!"

Darius interrupted. "She's right, Vander. Besides, it'll get that idiot the hell out of here. One less problem."

He got up with his tray, walking over to the trash can. "I'll see you guys at the ceremony."

He exited. Vander rose, leaving his tray. "I gotta go. Later." He exited.

Caitlyn withdrew from the table.

Ross stopped her. "Hold on. Are you going with what Darius is saying?"

Caitlyn sighed, then walked around to his side of the table, sitting down.

"Ross, this is the first ceremony. We can't go eliminating random people just because of a suspicion."

Ross tried to reason. "Cait, trust me, this is no suspision-,"

"Alright, even so, it would be smarter to rid ourselves of the weakest link first. Then we can worry about Quinton. Alright?"

Ross didn't respond. Caitlyn rubbed his back. "Take it easy, bud. I'll see you there, okay?"

"Okay." Ross said quietly, glumly. "See you there.

Caitlyn gave him a knowing smile and exited. Ross looked over to Jeffrey, who looked back at him.

"How much of that did you hear?" Ross asked.

Jeffrey raised his eyebrows, not understanding. "Huh?"

"Right." Ross muttered, returning his empty focus to his tray. "Right."

* * *

Chris stood at his podium with Natalie nearby, holding the platter of twelve marshmallows.

"Before you are twelve marshmallows. Among you are thirteen campers. The person who does not receive a marshmallow must immediately escort themselves to the Dock of Shame, climb aboard the Boat of Losers, and leave the island forever. The first camper to receive a marshmallow is... Vander."

Vander smiled and walked over to Natalie to claim his marshmallow.

"Well done, Vander." Said Natalie, politely.

Chris continued. "The next campers are Irene, Hailey, Martin, Lilith, Darius, and Caitlyn."

The campers announced, in that order, claimed their marshmallows. Chris eyed the remaining six campers, then the remaining five marshmallows.

"Ross."

"Thank God." Ross stated as he received his marshmallow and stood next to Caitlyn. They 'toasted' their marshmallows and ate them, ironically

untoasted.

Chris took two marshmallows and threw them to...

"Ashley. Olive."

The girls caught their marshmallows, relieved, but continued to sit there. Chris raised an eyebrow.

"Now scram."

They quickly stand.

"Right."

"Sorry."

They walk over to the other "safe" campers. Nicholas, Quinton, and Jeffery are bottom three campers. Chris took one of the two final marshmallows.

"This one goes to... Nicholas."

Nicholas caught his breath, grinning. "I've never been so happy to hear my name coming from your mouth, Chris." He received his marshmallow.

"Yeah, don't get used to it." Chris muttered. He turned to the final two campers with the final marshmallow clutched in his fist. He looked back and forth between the unaffected Quinton and the hard-of-hearing Jeffrey. Chris soon realized that his fist was sticky.

"The final tw- Augh, crap. Well, I ruined this marshmallow. Nat, do you have any extras?"

Natalie reached behind the podium and into a bag to produce another marshmallow. Chris grabbed for it, but Natalie kept it out of his reach.

"Uh-uh. Nope."

Chris sighed. He turned back to the final two campers, wiping his taffy-covered hands.

"The final two. One of you gets to stay to continue competing on Total Drama: The Musical for the chance at two million dollars. The other goes home empty-handed. Broken-hearted. The final marshmallow goes to..."

Chris continued to stare down both campers. Quinton showed not even a twinge of anxiety. Chris backed down.

"Quinton. It's yours."

Quinton smiled, standing to take his marshmallow. Chris turned to Jeffrey to give him the 'goodbye' speech, but realized he wouldn't be able to hear any of it.

"Say goodbye to Jeffrey, everyone." He stopped himself. "Or don't. He won't hear you. I don't know. Either way, he's the first camper eliminated this season. Therefore, we have very little footage for a montage. Natalie, take him to the pier."

Natalie sighed, fed up with the position of second-banana. "Gladly. Sir."

She escorted him off-screen. Chris turned to the camera. "The quest for two million dollars continues. What could possibly happen next? Find out next time! On Total Drama: The Musical!"

* * *

Eric Yamada lies on his bed in fetal position. "Ten. Ten. That damn ten. It won't leave me alone!"

* * *

 **TO BE CONTINUED.**


End file.
